I, along with 60 other officers, chased a violent child rapist on Wednesday night of last week. With the help of a US Marshal we tracked him down. A vehicle pursuit ensued and a foot chase. He escaped, but was captured the next day. That morning I came home angry, discouraged, and feeling powerless. My stomach hurt and I couldn't sleep.
I was mad at my superiors for some of the calls they made during this ordeal. I was mad at the mother who took her daughters out at one o'clock in the morning to go tanning. And, ultimately, I was enraged at the suspect for the damage he did to an innocent eight year old girl while her siblings watched.
Last week the Supreme Court rule the raping of a child cannot draw the death penalty. Before last Wednesday I would've agreed. Today I do not.
A person's Inner-Hope it seems is ever-evolving. For good or bad, it is always changing one way or the other. Each night I go "play" Mr. Police, my Hope takes huge, dismal strides backwards. I see awful behavior in human beings who walk among you; they go to church with you and work with you. You are friends with these people. But I see them in the dark, at night. In their homes.
When I come home, however, I take strides forward. The faces of my wife and daughter are there smiling at me. My daughter's laugh can push a thousand evils to the back of my head.
I want to keep these two worlds separate forever. And I will fight to keep the bad at bay. Yet I am scared in the knowledge of how much I can't control.
So my inner-hope evolves. One way or the other.
-Jeremy
2 comments:
If theres one thing I learned it's that you will never really be able to control any of it. I'm just glad you have something to look forward to, its often the only way to keep going and do your best to keep sane. You've got a strong family Cuz, that will make all the difference when it gets down to.
I cant imagine what you see day in and day out. I admire your ability to see and be in this messed up world and then come home and turn it off and be a wonderful father and husband. Next time you get down with your hopes please know your brother and I consider you our hero everyday... and its not just because you have the coolest wife and most beautiful baby girl! LOL! Chin up Officer Ballard, the world is a better place because of officers like you! we love ya'll!
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